Story:

This hat is a gift from a friend. He was born on the same day as the Islamic Revolution, so for me the hat also represents the government and the heaviness that we all carry in some way. His personality reflects the suffering of all these years of living there as well.

I got the hat in Tehran, maybe four or five years ago, I’m not exactly sure. It was already second-hand, so it carries something in it, another layer of history. I meet this friend maybe once a year. He talks a lot, so I try to keep it to once a year. He’s not really a close friend, but he is very kind.

I love this hat. The color, the shape, everything. There was a time when I wore it all the time because my hair was bad; I had cut it very badly, so I was hiding my hair. People here started to recognise me through this hat. Whenever I didn’t wear it, they couldn’t recognise me.

Since then, I’ve been using it every year, and I notice that each winter I’m a different person. I don’t remember very well how I was before, but the hat gives me signs, small memories and helps me see how I’m changing. It reminds me that I won’t be the same later either. I feel good about that.

For about ten years now, I’ve been moving between Tehran and Istanbul. Many times, I decide to stay here, but I can’t get refugee status because I’m not a refugee, and I can’t afford residency. I can’t manage it in other ways either. I’ve tried many times. It just doesn’t happen.

Sometimes I ask myself if I should immigrate completely somewhere else. But there’s always this connection to my home country that I can’t cut. Then I go back, live there for a while, and realise again that it’s not possible to live there either. It’s chaos—society, city pollution, government, family issues. It feels like a constant running-away plan.

As a woman, both here and there, I can say that society is changing in Tehran and in Iran. But overall, it’s very different because of how we grow up; in religious families, school, etc… It doesn’t allow your body to relax or to stay connected to yourself.

Beyond the limited chances for work and other opportunities for women, the deeper issue is that you start to lose yourself. You forget who you are. You become disconnected from your body and from yourself. Here, for example, I feel more relaxed, even though I’m not deeply part of society. Just walking, or working sometimes, is enough.

– Katayoon Ghomi